America Marries Its Abusive Boyfriend

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Well, it’s morning in America; it was a long party, and you were really enjoying yourself. I guess somewhere in the back of your mind you knew that the night wouldn’t last forever, but you just kept shrugging it off and calling for more champagne.

 Now you’re bleary-eyed and hungover, waking up in an unfamiliar place. It looked like the penthouse suite last night. But now, in the cold light of the morning, it seems a little…well, shabby. You grab your head to keep it from splitting open, and that’s when you first notice that cold piece of metal on your finger. Fragments of memory start falling into place, and you leap out of the dank bed, queasy and horrified.

 Did you really marry that guy, last night? THAT guy?

 I know it isn’t what you want to here this morning; but this is your own fault.

 You’ve always been a bit of a narcissist; all swollen with pride about your attributes. On the rare occasions you noticed anyone but yourself, you may have dismissively acknowledged that plenty of others had basically the same qualities. But you’ve been told so many times before that you and you alone, are the total package.

 Sure you’re aging, but there’s always been a line of suitors, all of them practically begging to take care of you. But they come and go, and it seems to take longer and longer to choose. But the flattery and the promise of a life of leisure made it all seem worthwhile.

 Then this guy (THIS guy!?!) comes along. He’s every bit as preening as you are, but you can see just by looking at him that he’s way out of his depth, kind of clownish even. He shouldn’t eve BE at this party.

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 He looks you up and down, but you’re used to that, I mean, c’mon look at you, right? It’s expected.

 What’s not expected is him pursing his lips with a hint of disapproval, and frankly, you’re stunned when he delivers his pick-up line, “You’re a beauty, but you don’t look so good. Are you tired? I can help you with that.”

He ‘negged‘ you.

 Your first impulse is towards anger, where does THIS guy get off? But you start to think about how long this party has been, and maybe you ARE a little tired. What the hell, you’ve heard the same spiel from these other guys so many times before, so you order another round and let him try his moves. It’ll at least be good for a laugh.

 He offers you a little something, and you take it, and you don’t feel so tired anymore. In fact, you feel GREAT again. This guy, yes THIS guy, feels a little unstable but he’s so different, and he’s got a real swagger. He’s buying drinks all around, and you don’t even notice he’s been putting them all on your tab. It’s almost worth it, just to hear him crow and strut around.

 As the night wore on and on, all the other would-be suitors wandered away. I’m sure some of them decided that if you could give this guy the time of day, you probably weren’t worth the trouble. And you ARE trouble when you set your mind to it.

 When the last of the competition finally gave up, the one who you realize in hindsight, probably knew you best, it was already last call. And so what was there to do?

 It gets a little hazy from there.

 So here you are. Nothing to do but make the most of it. You hope it wasn’t all just a line of bullshit, but what are your options now? Make the most of it, and hope he doesn’t break you before you can wrangle a divorce… Or preferably an annulment.

 One thing’s for certain, you don’t feel so great right now.

 Featured image: Gage Skidmore via Flickr.